motherhood

By Rafael Cadaoas (@pyper.bleu)

1) at the dinner table, you told me “i sometimes forget you aren’t 25” afterwards, i stared into the bathroom mirror naked and wondered “when did the child leave and the adult entered?” 

2) motherhood in this body means embodying nature: overused yet underexplored 

3) listening to my mother talk to my mamang* on messenger reminds me that you are always attached to the umbilical cord in more ways than one 

4) motherhood in this body looks like wearing my parents’ guilt to school while learning how to swim in my own sweat after recess 5) at age 9, you taught me the dialect of nurturing. how doing your laundry meant “i love you” and teaching ading long division meant “thank you”. yet i wonder how much of this i’m fluent in, since i grew up watching, but never receiving. 

6) motherhood in this body smells like patis and hydrocortisone cream 7) intergenerational trauma definition: learning how to cultivate love without the use of your fertiliser 

*mamang: grandmother in ilocano (language originated in the philippines) *ading: little brother in ilocano 

*patis: fish sauce

Rafael Cadaoas is a queer writer from Vancouver Canada. His work focuses on time, grief, and relationships. When he isn't writing, you can find him trying out different cafes in the city.